I’ve always been told that my children are a reflection of
me. I like to think of that reflection in flattering terms. A few weeks ago, I
was hit with the reality that my children are indeed a reflection of me—a reflection
that embodies the good and the bad parts of me. And just like how I cannot
change my appearance in the mirror by saying “I don’t have wrinkles on my
forehead,” I cannot change my reflection in my children by saying “Don’t feel
like you aren’t worthy of love.”
We are having a hard time with Veronica. Sure, it’s normal
for an 11 year old girl to be emotional and dramatic, but she seems to carry
more baggage than normal. She just started a new school and it’s an art school
that can kick her out at any time if she can’t pull her weight with grades and
her artwork. That’s a lot of pressure for a kid. She also has the added
pressure of wearing leg braces and using a wheelchair. That’s tough for any
middle school student trying to fit in.
But for the first time, I noticed something I had never
noticed before—she has picked up on a habit that I have been trying to overcome
for several years now. She feels she is not worthy of love. I think she
probably doesn’t even love herself that much.
It’s frustrating because I have done everything I can to
make sure she feels love. I am happy now and I have the love of a great man who
adores the children. Being happy helps, but I cannot undo the damage that was
done to her. Feeling like someone you love doesn’t love you back is one of the
most painful experiences anyone can have. But when a parent makes you feel this
way, it affects every relationship you have for the rest of your life. I experienced
this as a child. I never felt lovable. My parents have apologized for making me
feel this way and I am working on putting this behind me, but it’s obvious I
have passed this onto my daughter.
But I realize how that feeling of being unworthy caused me
to make the choices I made in the past. I continue to make mistakes and allow
people to bully me and make me feel guilty in an effort to keep the peace and
make the children happy.
I know I have to change these habits in order to reflect a
different person on my children. I have to reflect exactly how I want them to
be treated by other people and how I want them to treat other people, but more
importantly, I have to reflect how I want them to treat themselves.
Veronica is lovable and I love her dearly. Every time I feel
myself get weak and begin to give in to the bullying, I just picture her face.
I tell myself, “We deserve better than this. We deserve to be loved
wholeheartedly, not when it’s convenient.”
To hear my child say, “It’s okay, I’m used to it,” breaks my
heart. No one should have to be used to being treated badly by someone they
love. And yet, I have allowed it in order to keep the peace and to do what I
think is best for everyone. But it’s not good enough and I was wrong. Perhaps
if I stand up to the bullying, then one day she will too. Until then, I have to
find a way to make her feel worthy of real love.
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