Things are (not) going to be different this time...

It’s been a while since my last post. I’ve been busy, but I’ve also been indifferent about writing. Luckily, the wind is back in my sails and I’m ready to begin the next chapter.

A lot of really great things have happened in my life. I celebrated my first wedding anniversary. It’s hard to believe there was ever a time when Robby wasn’t in my life.

I got to see my sister-in-laws get married. I love Mary and Christine. They remind me so much of my sister. 

To know I have two more sisters that I love to be around is such a huge blessing to me because the relationship I have with my sister is one of the most important relationships in my life. It’s also a blessing to be a wedding where people aren’t taking bets on how long the marriage will last—it’s clear these two are meant to be together.

Hard to believe it's been a year.

Work is going well and I get to finally celebrate my graduation from SCAD this weekend. Summer is here and life seems to be looking up once again.

The only issue I have is the same one that seems to plague me every time I think things are going to be okay, but I got it handled this time and I know I am going to be okay.

I had to go to court ordered mediation over a week ago. It wasn’t painful or upsetting this time. It was just the same old frustrating song.

What it really boiled down to is this idea that I am a bad person who is selfish and out to destroy someone’s life. It’s hard not to laugh at the idea, but I guess when you believe the world is against you, anything is possible.

After everything I have been through, the end result is always the same. But everyone else is so convinced that it will be different this time…

I walked away from mediation with the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. I decided to start with a clean slate. I’m done with the fighting and the silly back and forth. Yes, I know, I’ve said it before but things are going to be different this time…

Well, the difference lasted for about two days and it was obvious we were back where we started. Nothing has changed and I have no confidence that things will be different this time.

Perhaps that idea should bother me, but it doesn’t. As a matter of fact, the realization that things will never change is the only thing that gets me through the day. It’s the comfort I cling to before I got to bed at night.

Expecting people to change is what bothers me the most. It never ceases to let me down and it never gets any easier.

I don’t expect anything different to happen this time around. I don’t expect people to be nice to me or to appreciate anything I do for my children.

I don’t expect a simple wave and smile when we see each other. 

I don’t expect anyone to quit bad mouthing me or for to stop this recent attack on my mental status. I don’t expect you to ever quit hating me or being mad at me. I don’t expect this power struggle to ever end or for anyone to make nice.

I don’t expect these things nor do I have any control over them. I only have control over myself.

I’ve kept my promises and done exactly what I was asked to do and what I said I would do. I have nothing to feel bad about. I’m not ashamed of anything I have done and I do not have to look over my shoulder every five minutes to see if my secrets are going to be put on display for the world.

It must be hell to live that way. I cannot imagine.

But I do have control of myself. I really meant what I said about clean slate. I’m not going to argue the past any longer. I don’t have to. I don’t get anything good out of it.

I have a new life and it’s pretty damn good. I have a clean conscious and I can hold my head high when I go out into the world.

I may be broke and I may be struggling professionally, but I am a good person. I have real love with real 

people. I am surrounded by good and I am happy. I am proud of myself. I have no shame.

So, be mad at me if you want. If that is what makes you feel good, then do it.

One thing I noticed at Mary and Christine’s wedding is that when you surround yourself with people who really love you and accept you for who you truly are you become safe. No one can really hurt you anymore. 

No one can make you doubt yourself and no one can make you hate yourself again.

And if they try, then God help them.

So, keep trying to make me doubt myself. It doesn’t work anymore. But when you are ready to get along, I will be here waiting.