In my last blog I wrote about the tricky topic of
forgiveness. It’s funny how everyone looks at forgiveness differently.
Someone commented to me that they find others aren’t as
quick to give them forgiveness. Someone else told me that they don’t feel the
need to forgive someone they have no use for any more.
I made the comment that just because I forgive someone it
doesn’t mean I want to have a relationship with them.
I think it shows we all have different ideas about
forgiveness and what we expect from other people. Point of view seems to add to
the trickiness of forgiveness.
Some people don’t feel like people forgive them, but maybe
people are just tired of their crap and even if they do forgive, they don’t
want to be subject to any more abuse?
Some people refuse to give forgiveness because they feel it
make them look weak, but others could care less because they don’t want to have
a relationship with the person anyway.
Who knows?
I’ve been reading an old journal I kept when I first started
the divorce process with the ex from August 2009.
I wrote about how I was dumbfounded that he would call me on
the phone, angry with me that I was filing for divorce. He said things like “I
don’t deserve this” and tried to convince me I was overreacting—“You don’t have
to do this,” he said
He continued to bring up a topic he brought up a lot with
me—I never forgive him, I hold on to anger and never let things go.
That was his point of view and there was just enough truth
in that statement to make second guess myself.
Technically speaking, I didn’t HAVE to follow through on
the divorce. I didn’t HAVE to walk away from a 17-year relationship.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I didn’t
follow through. There were plenty of times I second guessed myself and I got weak.
There were many times when just filling out the paperwork in the attorney’s
office was too much to complete.
When it came down to it, we were just two different points
of view. He was of the mindset that things would be okay and that it was a
waste of time to get a divorce. He was of the mindset that I should just
forgive him and that everything would work itself out.
I was of the mindset that I could not waste another second
of my life with a man who was fake—a man who only cared about his own wants and
needs, a man who acted pious but was living a secret life and deceiving the
woman who trusted him more than anyone else in the world, a man who was hurting
his children by making their mommy a very sad person, a man who was hurting
people who cared about our little family and hated seeing us miserable.
Sure, he said he was sorry. I have forgiven him.
But that doesn’t mean I want to be friends. It doesn’t mean
that I’m not allowed to be mad sometimes.
It also means my tolerance for other people’s shenanigans
and drama is very limited. Life is too short to put up with other people’s
problems—especially when they live with the point of view that they are not the
ones with the problem.
When I decided to go through with the divorce, my former
brother-in-law called me to see if I would change my mind. He desperately
wanted to help us reconcile. I appreciated his effort.
I explained that I had spent six months working on things
and saw that the ex was never going to change his behavior. Not only was he not
going to change, but he acted like everything was my fault.
I told him that I finally realized that God did not create
me and give me life so I could live like that. Not only did I not deserve to
live that way, but no one deserves to live that way.
No one deserves to be miserable.
But it’s not up to other people to make you happy either.
You have to find it and sometimes it’s really hard.
Sometimes it means you have walk away from toxic
relationships. Sometimes it means you have to look in the mirror and change your
point of view. Sometimes it means you have to accept that you are the asshole
in a relationship and sometimes it means you have to be the asshole and end an
abusive relationship.
I think one of the hardest parts of walking away from my
former life was accepting the fact that once I walked away, there was no
turning back. That old life would be gone. And even more frightening was the
fact that I would have no one else to blame for anther failed shot at life
except for myself.
But nothing in life that is worth having and fighting for is
easy. It’s really hard.
Not knowing if I would have to live the rest of my life
alone was hard. Being away from my children these past weeks has been hard.
Starting over financially was hard. Trying to restart my career at 39 is hard.
It’s humbling, it’s frustrating, it’s exhausting…
But walking away and cutting those ties is also exciting
because you get the chance to do things again—do them better, make things
better, make life better, make yourself better, make relationships better.
And no matter what your point of view is, when life is
better, you know you are doing what is right and living life the way God meant
for you to live it.
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