I’m so glad it’s Friday. Even better, it’s payday, and I get
to just have a moment to sit and think in silence.
The mornings are crazy around here. Our schedules this year
are different than in the past. The past two years, Robby left almost an hour
before the kids had to go to school, so I would get up early with him and we’d
have about 30 minutes of quiet time where we’d get to sit together at the dining
room table and just drink coffee and talk.
It was a great time to talk about stuff and get perspective—and
to reconnect.
We don’t have that anymore.
The kids have to leave at the same time as Robby so now it’s
this crazy whirlwind of trying to get the kids fed and get their lunches
packed.
If Robby is lucky, he can wedge his hand into a small space
and grab a cup of coffee. I don’t even think he drinks coffee at home any more—I’m
not even sure, I just know that I am left with almost a full pot of coffee
after the whirlwind exits the house.
There really isn’t anything better than that moment when the
bus pulls away and both kids are safely tucked inside with all their bags and
clothes on and lunch boxes packed. It’s like I crossed the finish line of a
marathon and everyone is happy and cheering.
I don’t think there is a more quiet moment than when the bus
pulls away and I walk into the kitchen and pour myself a cup of coffee and sit
at the computer to catch up on work emails and personal stuff.
It’s weird when I look back on all the years I spent at home
with the kids—day in day out, rarely a break let alone quiet moments.
But I loved being at home with them. It was like I couldn’t
get enough of it—well sometimes. I still feel the same way—on those lazy
weekends when we get to be together, there is nothing better than just sitting
on the couch, snuggled up in blankets and watching mindless movies.
It’s weird to be one of those working moms now. Even after
several years, I still have a hard time adjusting to new schedules and routines
and balancing work and finding time to make sure everyone has what they need.
I think the hardest part is making time for me. I’m not
talking about spa days or trips out of town with girlfriends. I can’t afford
that crap any way.
I’m talking about sitting down and forcing myself to process
my feelings. Especially lately. So much has happened to us in such a short
amount of time--but if I stop to reflect, I can see that things have been
stressful for a long, long time.
I don’t know what it does to a body to constantly take on
stress and not take the time to process it.
I know that before the kids got out for summer break last
school year, I was under so much stress worrying about the kids that my neck
locked up and I could barely move my head from side to side. I remember driving
Jude to karate that day and tears coming down my face every time I had to look
over my shoulder to see if oncoming traffic was coming. When Robby met me there
he said I looked horrible—he almost didn’t recognize me.
I knew I didn’t feel well, but I hadn’t taken the time to
really let it sink in that I was making myself sick with worry and stress. I thought I had it all under control.
Something had to change. Something, but what?
What could I change? I had no control over so many things in
my life.
I finally realized I had to do something that I rarely did.
I decided to take care of myself the same way I take care of everyone else. I
think as Moms (and Dads) we tend to not do that enough, or at all.
I went to the doctor and got a checkup. To my surprise, I was completely healthy—blood
work was perfect and on the outside I seemed better than most. I took a moment
to thank God for my health—what would my kids do if I got really sick? What
would Robby do?
The doctor tried to get me to take pain meds for my neck,
but that’s a no go—I don’t like meds and I can’t afford to be comatose at night
with two children and a husband on dialysis. Plus, pain meds don’t heal—they only
mask what is really going on.
I started seeing a homeopathic chiropractor and his
diagnosis was simple—“You are under so much constant stress and you are so
tight and stiff, your neck has lost its natural curve.”
Despite being broke, I was able to push some money aside and my mom chipped in and I was
able to start treatment with him and he fixed my neck.
But doing something for me was also healing in a way.
But I also had to change what I was doing.
Unfortunately, I think most of us tend to not continue to
take care of ourselves properly when we aren’t in pain.
My neck is hurting again. I can’t think of the last time I
sat and tried to process everything that is going on with us right now. I can’t
think of the last time I sat and had coffee with my husband and talked about
our day.
I know we are no different than most busy families. Life has
ups and downs and I’m hoping things will slow down eventually and we can all
catch a breath.
But ignoring your feelings and not taking time to process
your feelings and reflect on your life and your health is just another way of
masking your symptoms, not much different than taking those pain meds.
Sometimes we need the pain meds—sometimes we truly have
heath issues or injuries and we need the meds so we can be and feel better. Sometimes
we aren’t ready to face the pain.
But sometimes, those pain meds become a crutch. They become
a way to cope.
I think I do the “not processing” thing or the “I’m not talking
about my problems right now” thing because I’m not ready to feel the pain, the
heartbreak. I’m not ready to cry because I worry I’ll never stop.
I’m so mad right now. I’m so sad right now. But I’m also so
thankful for so many great things in my life.
I think at the end of the day, I’m just tired of having to
adjust constantly and I’m tired of things being so far out of my control that I
can’t even get a grasp on the stress sometimes.
But it makes me realize, I still have something to learn in
this life or else the same thing wouldn’t keep happening—this person who causes
so much pain and sadness would not still be in my life causing problems if God
didn’t have more lessons for me to learn.
I know I have to get better at taking care of myself. I know
I have to find a way to quit trying to make everything perfect. I know that
raising good children is more important than trying to give them everything
they want. I know that I have to stop and have coffee with my husband more. I
know I have to finish what I have started and see where this next step takes
our family.
And I also know that if things don’t work out the way I
thought they would or the way they should, I have to accept that and move on.
But most importantly, I have to stop and take time to process the disappointment
and to reflect on the joys.
Or else, I’m going to make myself so sick I won’t get the chance
to bounce back for whatever new obstacle pops into our lives.
So, this weekend, I’m going to ignore the typical house chores I run around trying to get done and decompress and reflect. I’m
going to just let things go. I’m going find a way to find peace in my life
despite the outside influences.
I guess that is what I have to learn—I have to find a way to
feel at peace and maintain that peace in spite of life’s constant battles. That’s
a tough order, but I know I can do this. Ignoring it is not working.
No comments:
Post a Comment