Another week down, another week of life lessons. Sometime
those lessons make you learn something about yourself, but sometimes, they make
you learn more about someone else.
It’s a little funny to me when people say, I can’t imagine
you ever getting mad—you seem so quiet.
And I am quiet a lot of the times. I don’t like to be that
person at work who is always running their mouth about something or the person
at a dinner party who is ruling the conversation. I like to sit back and listen
and choose my words carefully. So, it takes a while for some people to get to
know me.
But I can assure, I do get mad. Most everyone does at some
point. Some are quick to anger—some people even find it acceptable to bang on
their desks or hit the walls when they are angry. Some people let it simmer
until it boils over. I’m more like the latter—the slow burn, the slow to react.
I try not to hold it all in, because when the anger boils
over, it typically catches people off guard and then I get the whole—why didn’t
you say something sooner? Or, “I had no idea you felt that way. You seemed fine
when we talked.”
Most the time, the my response is, I didn’t want to make a
big deal about it or it just didn’t seem like the right time to bring it up.
Or, I just didn’t want to hurt your feelings. And quite honestly, sometimes
it’s just not worth it. I’ve done so much fighting for so long that I’m much
slower to battle these days because I’d rather put my energy somewhere else—unless
it’s worthy of a battle.
Like one of the things that happened this past week--Veronica
falling at school and hurting herself. I do feel that it was the school’s fault
on some level because I feel it’s their job to provide a safe environment for
her. They are aware of her disability and the fact that when she falls, she can
really hurt herself badly. So, if the floor in a certain area is super slippery
and people are falling down, then you need to---as Negan would say—shut that
shit down.
But they didn’t, and she fell. Several days after her fall,
I decided I had enough time to think about what to say to them, so I requested
a meeting with school officials. They explained they did everything they could
and it was just an accident….but to me it wasn’t that simple. It was careless.
You can’t tell me in one breath that the floor was so bad you had extra staff
mopping all day and then say, it was just a random accident.
Also, I slipped on the floor when I showed up to get
her—there was something wrong with the floor surface and it felt like butter. Which
I pointed out after they said there was really nothing they could have done to
make the floor safer for her. But, they spent most of the time showing ME what
I could have done to prevent the accident like providing a wheelchair to
prevent trips and falls and then the quick mention that they noticed in the
video of her fall she looked at her cell phone screen—“she needs to pay
attention when the floor is wet…” And so on.
I sat quietly, listening. Waiting. Nodding. But it never
came. The words I wanted to hear—We’re sorry. What can we do to fix this? How
can we make this right?
Right? Isn’t that what you say when you know you messed up.
Isn’t that the human thing to say? To offer an apology and a way to make things
better?
But so many people can’t say that. They spend so much time
explaining why they did something or said something or acted a certain way.
They defend themselves by pointing out what YOU should have done better or what
YOU didn’t do even if it has nothing to do with the situation.
I get it. No one wants to be wrong. No one wants to admit
they screwed up. Most people don’t like to say “I’m sorry.” And some people
refuse to.
My ex used to say to me, “I didn’t hurt your feelings, you
allowed your feelings to get hurt,” or my favorite—“I didn’t make you mad, you
allowed yourself to get mad.” That’s worse than telling me to calm down.
But, I think on some level that is true. We can ignore
people and not let our feelings get hurt--or not allow someone to make us mad.
But that’s not easy when it comes to someone you are
supposed to trust, and it’s even harder when it someone who is supposed to love
you back.
And what’s wrong with getting mad every once in a while?
What’s wrong with blowing your top and saying, “I’ve had enough!” Especially if
you know your feelings are true—because they are your feelings and your
feelings are just as important as everyone else’s feelings. Right?
I don’t know if I’m mad at the school for not apologizing or
I’m just mad at the entire situation. It’s hard to separate the two. I have a
lot of anxiety about Veronica falling and hurting herself—I find myself laying
in bed and thinking about her going off to college and falling in the showers
at the dorm and I’m not there to make sure the floors are safe. I guess it’s
silly in some ways to worry so much about something that might not even happen,
but it is something that pops in my mind.
And, I can’t always turn that off. I can’t always turn off
my worries. I can’t always turn off my thoughts. And I know, I can’t always
turn off my feelings, especially when it comes to people I’m supposed to trust.
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