Tis the season to get out and live

 It’s that time of the year. Some would say the most wonderful time of the year. It’s always debatable for me. And probably for everyone else, too. Thanksgiving was quiet this year, but in a good way. I made dinner for the kids and myself and we sat together and talked and laughed. Lots of hugs. Lots of love. Only a few tears in the morning after I read a text from someone missing Robby.

These past few months since Robby’s memorial have been very peaceful for me, but at the same time it’s like this fire has been lit inside of me. When Robby died, I decided to take a year to work on my mental health and try to help the kids' with theirs. It was the right thing to do but now I'm ready to make this new life on my own. It’s like I didn’t just turn a page in the book of my life but I ripped out all of the pages and started writing a whole new chapter where I get to live my best life. Going to movies, meeting up for dinners and drinks downtown, lots of great conversations, and best of all, lots of laughter. Like the kind of laughter where you wipe away tears and pray your bladder can behave. I’ve updated my passport and already have several trips planned this year--and only two of them involve the Foo Fighters, so far, lol. I’ve met new friends, put more energy into the friendships I already have, and even walked over to meet my new neighbor who is pretty awesome so far. I’m exercising, finally losing all that weight I gained when Robby started getting really sick all the time, taking better care of my skin, hair, and nails, and even buying new clothes for myself that don’t include sweatpants and t-shirts.

I guess the reason I’m writing about this is because I realized for the first time in a long time, I’m actually really happy with myself. No guilt (well maybe a little guilt), not so many worries about the little things, no waking up in a sweat at 4 a.m. trying to remember if I paid a bill or if I missed something important.  I stopped expecting to hear from people to check in on me and decided to put my energy into relationships that make me happy. And it’s not like one big thing happened to change me, it’s just that I decided if I’m going to be in the world, I better get cracking on having an awesome life that I can be proud of. The kind of life where I’m that crazy lady from Texas flying to a new city by myself so I can tailgate with people I’ve met in an online fan group before a Foo Fighters concert. The kind of life where a friend asks if I have tried the new bar downtown and I say, “No, I haven’t but let’s go after work and check it out.” The kind of life where a guy asks if he can buy me a drink and I say sure and not really care if it makes other people uncomfortable.  

I think sometimes it’s hard to let go of ‘what could have been’ and start making your life ‘what it could be.’ And I can make it sad and lonely, or I can get off the couch and make it awesome. Because no one else is going to do it for me. So, it seems, tis the season to take life by the horns and hold on for the next wild ride, gas pedal to the floor, hair flying back, eyes wide open, smiling.