Sometimes you have no other choice than to move foward

There are somethings I forget people don’t know about me until we start talking. Like how I met my husband Robby online—something that usually draws a few laughs because the online dating world has changed a bit since the days I referred to my new boyfriend as Mr. EHarmony.

It’s been 7 years since I met my husband online. And while taking a second stab at marriage has turned out to be one of the best things I decided to do, each relationship always seems to provide its own set of issues.

We all know that no marriage or family is perfect, but we make other people think our lives are really better than they are, with staged pics on social media or the way we clean the hell out of the house before company arrives. I’m guilty of it even though I try to act like being human doesn’t bother me.

Being human sometimes can take its toll on the best of us. I’ve had many moments of being human from raising a special needs child who can’t go to the birthday parties with the bouncy houses and having to act like it’s fine because we “already had other really cool plans.” Or acting like I liked being alone on holidays or Valentines after I was divorced because I was “so much happier alone.” The time I had to go on government assistance so I could take care of my children after my divorce or trying to keep up with my richer friends in my old neighborhood and acting like I had other plans when I had to turn them down for vacation offers or weekends on the beach.

I hate for people to feel sorry for me. I hate that "pity" look you get or the way people try to “help you” by bringing over free food and clothes or offering to do something cheaper so you can join along. Over time, things like that usually mean less to you—if you’re lucky enough to learn that life is so much bigger than you and those little things don’t really matter.

And it’s the fact that I’ve always tried to avoid the pity that makes what I’m about to talk about so hard. But if I’ve learned anything through this blog, it’s that when I’m honest, I’m better and I always connect to someone else who understands how I feel. So hopefully I can do that with this.

When I met Robby 7 years ago, I learned—right before our first date—that he has end stage kidney failure and does dialysis every night at home. We joke now about how difficult it is to bring up kidney disease in a conversation, but damn it’s hard.  There are few conversations in life that can seamlessly lead to “I have end stage kidney failure.”

But, during one of our many phone calls when we first connected online,  I told him about having a daughter who has a rare disease called Arthrogryposis and how she has bilateral clubfeet and joint contractures and it makes it hard for her to walk. He said, “I understand that. I also have a hard time walking.” And I stopped talking. I was not expecting that. See, when you do the online dating thing, you do that thing where you put your best face forward. It’s part of what make the stories of online dating so funny because we’ve all had that person we met who looked nothing like the photos that were posted or who really didn’t enjoy all the activities they listed on their profile. 

So, I asked Robby what he meant, and he explained his kidney disease and the type of dialysis he did. After we got off the phone, I looked it up. I had never known anyone on dialysis. As far as I knew, it was a death sentence. I read for hours about what causes kidney disease—is it curable? Can you do dialysis forever? Does it get worse? Will you die soon?

And the big question I had to continue to ask myself as I got to know Robby better—is this something I want to take on in my life? After everything I had already been through in my life, did I really want to make a life with a person who was already on dialysis?

But as I got to know Robby and we began to fall in love, I made the decision that it was something I could take on. He takes care of himself and his medical needs and wouldn’t need to depend on me for that.  And he never has.

I had already learned that life was a gamble. There was so much about my ex that I didn’t know when I married him that came out later and ruined our relationship. With Robby, I knew right up front what to expect. There were no hidden surprises—and there are no guarantees in life. Life can change at the snap of a finger. You can avoid having a really loving relationship with a wonderful person because you’re scared his kidney disease is going to end his life super early or become this constant issue that makes your life really hard. Or you can do your research, learn the facts and move forward.

I had to make my decision before I let Robby meet the kids. I had to be really OK with the kidney disease. I knew that. I told a few people and their reactions were what I expected—Are you sure you want to bring that into your life? And I was surprised how OK I was with saying, “Yes. I am OK.”

Along the way, Robby’s kidney disease has really not been the big dramatic factor in our lives that I think most people think it would be. He has his dialysis handled and we live like a pretty normal, boring family. It does make it hard when we want to travel, and Robby can’t travel overnight on his own. But we don’t have many opportunities to travel any way.

There are days when he has no energy and just sleeps and there are times when he gets really frustrated with the whole thing. And sometimes it wears on me as well. Some days he cries. Some days I cry.  

Which is why Robby has decided to make the move to get a kidney transplant. Here is his announcement: https://theafternoontide.blogspot.com/2018/03/help-robby-richardson-catch-kidney.html?spref=fb

Right now, he is hoping for a live transplant but he’s keeping his option open and just seeing where this whole process takes us.

And while many people keep saying, “Oh that’s great. Congratulations!” It’s not really a “great” thing and it’s hard to explain that to people. It reminds me of when Veronica would have surgery and people would say, “That’s great—so now her foot will be normal?” It’s like some people believe surgery can fix everything and make you “normal.” There are some diseases that will just keep you from ever being "normal" or living a pain free life. 

And Robby has had a hard time dealing with the whole thing because it means he has to depend on another person to have surgery and give up one of their organs to help him. That can really mess with your mind. I know there are times when he feels like maybe it’s just too much to ask and he should just keep with the dialysis and see how long he can live.

We are trying to figure out how in the world we are going to pay for all of these trips to and from the hospital. How much work can we afford to miss? What happens when our insurance quits paying for the anti-rejection meds after 5 years? Who is going to help us with the kids? What happens if the transplant is rejected?

But, we are reasonable people and we know that things will work out the way they are supposed to work out and hopefully this time next year, all of these questions will be past memories and new chapter of our lives will be in full swing.

Sometimes when I’m having trouble figuring out things, I try to imagine that I am someone else and I try to think about the advice I would give that person. If we were someone else, I would say, “You have to go for it. All of those other things will fall into place. But you can’t live forever on dialysis and if you wait too long, you won’t even be eligible for a transplant.”

So, here’s to taking risks, moving forward and letting people help us. And if you end up feeling sorry for us, that’s OK.  Being human can make you do that, too.

To procreate or not to procreate?

So, the big day has passed, and with the passing of the wedding comes the big question. Some people are brave enough to ask it to our face while most others just talk amongst themselves—when are we going to have a baby together?

So, it is time to address two topics that I have never written about. One is the reason I’m not having children. And two is the reason that Robby is not having children.

I had my tubes tied almost a year after Jude was born, so I cannot have any more children. I don’t want another baby. But yet, I didn’t want another baby after I had Veronica. I’m grateful for Jude. If it wasn’t for him, I would think I was the worst Mom ever. Veronica has never been satisfied and I would have spent my life trying to make the little princess happy. She’s a sweet girl and amazing girl, but she always wants more and sometimes I have nothing left to give.

Jude, on the other hand, is always happy. I used to feel like the most useless mom ever when he was a toddler because he would just play with his toys and smile and I would just sit and watch him and feel like I should be doing something to entertain him. He never cried. I wanted him to need me like Veronica did, but he didn’t. He was just happy to be in the same room as me. He is the dream child every mom hopes for—I hope it lasts forever.

But my body was not made for making babies. When I was about 6 months pregnant with Veronica, I found out I had a septate uterus. So she only had half of a womb to grow in. She got squished and it deformed her little limbs and gave her Arthrogryposis. I felt guilty for years. I am the reason she is disabled--that’s a heavy cross to carry.

Veronica kissing baby Jude

That guilt made me not want to have any more children. But my ex-husband wanted “loads” of children, so I backed down and told him I would think about having more.

I had surgery to repair my uterus and make it whole. I got pregnant soon after and 8 and half months later Jude was born. It was the delivery from hell and he almost died. The reason he almost died?—my uterus was deformed and it almost killed him.

I asked my ex-husband to let me have my tubes tied while I was having my C-section with Jude. But he said I was just hormonal from the pregnancy and he denied the surgery. For those of you who don’t know, a doctor in Georgia will not perform a tubal ligation without the consent of the husband.

I tried to make the case that the next baby could die or be deformed and that my body couldn’t take another pregnancy. But no one listens to a hormonal woman.

After I had Jude, I never felt well. I got sick with a lot with infections and weird female stuff. After several years of suffering, my doctor told me I needed to have surgery to repair my uterus for reasons I won’t burden you with, and that I needed to be smart and not risk another pregnancy.

My ex-husband was in Iraq at the time and I had to talk to him about it over the phone. He relented and granted the doctor permission to perform the surgery. I have never felt better and he never forgave me.

Ugh...pregnant in the Georgia heat is not something anyone should repeat

But Robby’s reasons for not wanting a baby are different. Some of you do not know that Robby has end stage kidney failure and he is on dialysis. It’s not a big secret, but it’s hard to know how to work that bit of information into a conversation or a blog.

We joke about how you tell people you have kidney failure. They say, “Hey, those tomatoes are ripe.” And you say, “Yes, they are. My kidneys don’t work anymore.” And we laugh, but it’s not a heartfelt laugh.

Robby has always said that he never wants to pass his congenital kidney problems onto a child. He made the resolution to never have children years before he met me.

I think that is one of the reasons we were brought together. He was meant to be a father and it would be a damn shame for him to not raise children. I bring children to the table and they need a present father. Poof!—instant family.

So, that means “no” we are not having a baby together. It is a shame to not mix our DNA, but that is the way it is. Sure, I would love to have a baby with Robby and he would love it, too. But let’s be honest. We both have too many problems that could endanger our child’s DNA or growth in the womb. Plus, we are too old! We love getting a good night’s sleep. I still thank God every morning when I get a full night’s sleep. It’s not a topic we worry about. We are happy with the way things are now.

And plus we already have two amazing children. We get to raise a daughter and we get to raise a son. They are healthy and super smart. Why would we ever risk fate and ask for more?