Saturday, November 24, 2012

I just can't say it right now...

It’s been a while since my last post. I finished school, celebrated Thanksgiving, and got rejected by several more employment opportunities. Life continues to move forward even though I don’t feel like I am.

It’s hard to know what will happen over the next few months. My ex-husband is taking me back to court, I’m desperately trying to find a job, and the holidays are in full swing. It’s a time full of excitement and happiness but the dark cloud is ever present.

It’s frustrating because I have so many reasons to celebrate. I have so many wonderful blessings to be thankful for. I should be on top of the world.

There are some minutes during the day when I do feel on top of the world. I’m so happy and full of energy. The children are happy and Robby is happy and I see their smiling faces and I want to be happy, too. But then that empty feeling sinks in and I feel anxious about all those dark clouds and worry about how things will turn out.

Over the past several years, I’ve worked hard on acceptance, forgiveness, and the need to let go of guilt. I have also realized that those actions have to be on a constant loop in order to keep moving forward in life.
I used to pray a lot. Now I find myself doing it less and less. I realize that happiness is harder to obtain the less I pray, the less I forgive, and the more guilt I take on. I know these things, but yet I have done nothing to restart that constant loop.

It’s time for me to refocus and concentrate on the realities in my life that I have been avoiding. It’s time to be humbled once again. It’s time to accept the things that I cannot change. It’s time to move forward even when I don’t feel like it.

A close friend of mine sent me an email over a month ago with the following mantra. She told me to say it over and over when I begin to feel the anxiety and worry about things I have no control over.
1)      I love you
2)     I’m sorry
3)     Please forgive me
4)     Thank you

I haven’t done it yet because I just can’t bring myself to say these words about a person that brings me so many frustrations and continues to disturb my happiness. How many times do I need to try to forgive? Shouldn't I be past this already?

My friend explained what the prayer is about.
1)      I love you…. The higher aspects (the Soul) of the person
2)     I’m sorry….. for having these feelings and thoughts / sorry you are having these feelings and thoughts / sorry I’m a part of this scenario….
3)     Please forgive me… for having these feelings and thoughts / for judging you….
4)     Thank you…. for clearing these feelings and     thoughts/ for allowing me to clear these feelings and thoughts

She claimed that by saying the abbreviated lines while thinking about him and while feeling God, I would open the doors for healing. But I’m skeptical because I've tried forgiveness so many times only to have the door shut in my face with a new problem that throws me back into the cycle of being angry and upset again.

I don’t know what the right answers are or who I should forgive and why or when. I don't know if I should be angry or if this is just the way my life is always going to be and I need to just accept it and continue to push it further and further to the back of my mind.

I don’t think there are any right answers in life. But I do know that life has a way of reminding you that you need to always protect yourself with prayer—even during the really great times. You never know what evil lurks or what evil has planned for you. 

I truly believe God has a plan for me and that all these bad things have to happen to get me to the place in my life that I moving toward. I guess I should relish in these trials because I know they will ultimately make me the person that I am supposed to be and my faith will continue to grow stronger.

But, today I just cannot find the way to say "I love you" despite what you continue to do to my family and me. But I can say "thank you" for making me the person I am today.

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