It’s been a while since my last post. I finished school,
celebrated Thanksgiving, and got rejected by several more employment opportunities.
Life continues to move forward even though I don’t feel like I am.
It’s hard to know what will happen over the next few months.
My ex-husband is taking me back to court, I’m desperately trying to find a job,
and the holidays are in full swing. It’s a time full of excitement and
happiness but the dark cloud is ever present.
It’s frustrating because I have so many reasons to
celebrate. I have so many wonderful blessings to be thankful for. I should be
on top of the world.
There are some minutes during the day when I do feel on top
of the world. I’m so happy and full of energy. The children are happy and Robby
is happy and I see their smiling faces and I want to be happy, too. But then
that empty feeling sinks in and I feel anxious about all those dark clouds and
worry about how things will turn out.
Over the past several years, I’ve worked hard on acceptance,
forgiveness, and the need to let go of guilt. I have also realized that those
actions have to be on a constant loop in order to keep moving forward in life.
I used to pray a lot. Now I find myself doing it less and
less. I realize that happiness is harder to obtain the less I pray, the less I
forgive, and the more guilt I take on. I know these things, but yet I have done
nothing to restart that constant loop.
It’s time for me to refocus and concentrate on the realities
in my life that I have been avoiding. It’s time to be humbled once again. It’s
time to accept the things that I cannot change. It’s time to move forward even
when I don’t feel like it.
A close friend of mine sent me an email over a month ago
with the following mantra. She told me to say it over and over when I begin to
feel the anxiety and worry about things I have no control over.
1) I love you
2) I’m sorry
3) Please forgive me
4) Thank you
I haven’t done it yet because I just can’t bring myself to
say these words about a person that brings me so many frustrations and
continues to disturb my happiness. How many times do I need to try to forgive? Shouldn't I be past this already?
My friend explained what the prayer is about.
1) I love you…. The
higher aspects (the Soul) of the person
2) I’m sorry….. for
having these feelings and thoughts / sorry you are having these feelings and
thoughts / sorry I’m a part of this scenario….
3) Please forgive me…
for having these feelings and thoughts / for judging you….
4) Thank you…. for
clearing these feelings and thoughts/ for allowing me to clear these feelings
and thoughts
She claimed that by
saying the abbreviated lines while thinking about him and while feeling God, I would
open the doors for healing. But I’m skeptical because I've tried forgiveness so
many times only to have the door shut in my face with a new problem that throws
me back into the cycle of being angry and upset again.
I don’t know what
the right answers are or who I should forgive and why or when. I don't know if I should be angry or if this is just the way my life is always going to be and I need to just accept it and continue to push it further and further to the back of my mind.
I don’t think
there are any right answers in life. But I do know that life has a way of
reminding you that you need to always protect yourself with prayer—even during
the really great times. You never know what evil lurks or what evil has planned
for you.
I truly believe God has a plan for me and that all these bad things have to happen to get me to the place in my life that I moving toward. I guess I should relish in these trials because I know they will ultimately make me the person that I am supposed to be and my faith will continue to grow stronger.
But, today I just cannot find the way to say "I love you" despite what you continue to do to my family and me. But I can say "thank you" for making me the person I am today.
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