Monday, April 1, 2013

Getting off the roller coaster

It’s hard to think back that far, but there was actually a time in my life when I wanted to get pregnant. I wanted to be a mommy so badly.

We tried for several years, but I finally gave up and decided to focus on my career as a writer. My ex-husband was busy with his blossoming career, and it just made sense to put my energy into something else.

Trying to get pregnant is exhausting to your marriage and your state of mind. But people always tell you, “as soon as you stop trying, you will get pregnant.”

Yes, it’s true. As soon as I stopped worrying about getting pregnant, I found out I was carrying my daughter. It was such a relief to know that I was able to get pregnant, but the emotional roller coaster I had to go through to get to that point was hell.

I feel like that now as I look for a job. I finally reached a point last week where I decided to quit looking at want ads and LinkedIn and all those job sites. I decided to find my own job and make it what I want it to be.

I sat down and started emailing friends and professionals in town. I did the “just checking in” thing and then went straight for the “I have no job so if you need anyone or you know of anyone, please let me know.”

It was humiliating to admit that no one wanted to hire me, but as an adult you have to put your pride aside and take care of your family.

I sat and cried by myself in my kitchen when I was finished. But I got myself together and decided to never look back. The path I was on wasn’t working. I was once again stuck on an emotional roller coaster, and I needed to change my focus.

Things have slowly started clicking along and now I have several people in line to hire me for my writing services. I still have two more meetings in place to pick up new work. I pray this is the right path and that it leads to those bigger and better things everyone keeps telling me about.

I am the daughter of two parents who have somehow made a living under the title “self-employed.” I know that I can do this if I just put my mind to it and hustle like a maniac.

It’s either that or give up, and quitting is just not an option I can live with. I know I will learn something from this experience, and I know that one day I may even look back and laugh at this time of my life.

But right now it sucks. I feel like a failure. But if total humiliation is what it takes to get me to where I need to be in life, then I am okay with that.

One thing I do know is that nothing in life that is worth a damn comes easily. I also remind myself that the last time I took a break from the roller coaster I ended up with a beautiful baby girl. Who knows what I will get this time?

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