Saturday, May 4, 2013


Besides my family, friends, and my dogs, I have a couple of big loves.

·       Chips and salsa (probably go through 2 family size bags and a full jar each week)
·       Coffee
·       Foo Fighters
·       Red wine
·       Lunch at the beach
·       David Sedaris
·       Making Robby smile
·       Hearing my children laugh
·       Finishing a story two days before deadline
·       Packing for vacation
·       Laughing out loud
·       Really good sleep…

Okay, maybe the list is longer than I thought, but the point is, there are some things in my life that I know will always bring me joy. Days like today remind me I have to regroup and tap into those things that make me happy and remind myself how far I have come in the past three years.

Another thing that makes me feel happy is turning up the volume on my Dave Grohl playlist on Pandora and running on the treadmill until I feel like I can’t take another breath.

Sure Dave Grohl is a handsome guy in that grunge rocker sort of way that I usually find very sexy, but I’m not in love with him in that way. I’ve already got my big daddy.

For some reason, most of the lyrics to his songs seem to strike a chord with me during one of those runs where I’m desperately trying to find that calm place on the treadmill between reality and insanity. Today was one of those days.

Grohl directed a movie called “Sound City” where he teamed up with other legendary rockers and recorded new music at this old recording studio…the story is more complicated than that but it doesn’t have anything to do with this story.

As I ran today, I listened to one of my favorite songs on the soundtrack, “Mantra.”  Two different mantras are repeated throughout the song—“I will find a way to keep this moment for myself” and “and all of this will never be the same again.”

It’s no big secret; I have had some major financial woes lately. The fact that I have to go back to court again doesn’t help. I’m slowly building back up but I feel like I soon as I start to get on the right track, I get hit with something else like pending school loans, mechanic bills, summer camp dues…

Last night I kept having nightmares that I had all these other debts I had forgotten about and they were piling up and I was living my old life where I was broke and  alone and someone was only making it worse. I woke up even more exhausted than I went to bed. 

So, it was decided a trip to the treadmill was long overdue. As I ran and listened to the lyrics of “Mantra” I realized that I have all these really special moments in my life and I have the visual images of them locked in my brain that no one can take away from me. These are the moments that can’t be hauled away in repossession or taken away in court.

My life is different now. I don’t have the same demons chasing me that I used to have. I don’t have someone hanging around my neck like a dead weight any more. I don’t have to let things go the way they used to go. I'm not having to figure things out on my own anymore.

Every day, I get to wake up with most important people in my life. I get to see their faces and hug them. I get to laugh with them and hear their voices. These are moments I get to keep for myself. They don’t belong to anyone else but me and I don’t owe anyone money for them.

So, over the next few weeks as I’m forced to face my past again—the past I try so hard to put in the past—I will remember these priceless images and moments. I will find a way to keep this moment for myself… I don’t have to share them with you and you will never get to experience what I have.

And what happens after this battle is over? It doesn’t matter, because my life will never be like it used to be. I am happy and healed. I know my life is different now. I am different. That person who used to have so much effect over me doesn’t matter anymore. And all of this will never be the same again. I am a different person and I’m not scared of you anymore. I don’t need money to make my stand. I will never go away. I am not alone.

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