Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Come on, get happy

It’s been one of those weeks and it’s only Tuesday. I haven’t felt this drained in a very long time.

I’m exhausted by life. I don’t understand why some people have the right to affect so many people? But more importantly, I don’t understand why anyone should have to live with so much stress.

I want to honestly pour out my heart and tell every tidbit of what is going on with me right now, but I can’t. I can’t tell anyone about what it is like to have to deal with insanity on an almost daily basis.

The backlash of what I write is not worth the struggle. I don’t have the energy to fight any more and I have had to resolve myself to just sit back and wait this out…again.

I’m torn. Part of me hopes this new “partnership” is the beginning of something positive. Maybe things will be different this time. I always believe people can change and I also firmly believe everyone deserves the chance to change for the better.

Then there is the bigger part of me that believes this is just another phase in the long line of “second/third/fourth chances.” These chances seem to come and go and I feel as though I have no control over them.

Control is the key word here. I strive to have control in my life. The other day while I was putting together my son’s birthday party, my husband pointed out to me that I like to control everything.

He thought he was pointing out something new to me, but he wasn’t. I don’t deny my need to control everything. I also don’t make excuses for it. I’m not ashamed of it and I don’t try to hide it.

Yes, it’s true. I like to control everything.

I know it is very unhealthy and I have really tried to change. I look at where I am today and I know it is starting to really wear on me…again.

I feel like I’m doing better, but at the end of the day, I can feel the exhaustion set in and I realize that my need to control everything is wearing me down.

But how I am supposed to turn a blind eye to what could possibly turn into a dangerous situation? What did I ever do to deserve to be treated this way?

How hard is it to treat me like a “person?”… A person who would move heaven and Earth to make sure my children are happy, healthy, and safe.

You can write what you want about me. You can try to convince everyone that I am crazy. You can continue to constantly point out how I am dangerous and “out of control.”

Sure, I’m sure you have a handful of people who believe you. I’m sure there are people who would stand by you and condemn me.

It’s okay. I realize I have no control over that. I don’t want to control that. I want you to move forward and have a better life. I want you to do the things you say you are going to do. And if you feel that making me look bad is the only way to do that, then go ahead.

I honestly do want you to be happy. I truly do. You don’t have to believe that, but if you would, things would be better between us.

Everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone deserves to experience a happy life.
You’re not happy because you choose not to be. I can only imagine why. I have a pretty good idea though…

My control issues have gotten me into this mess. I know I tried to control the wrong people to make them happy. I wanted them to be happy because I thought it would make me happy. The funny thing is, I was never more miserable.

Well, look at me now. Am I happy?

Yes, I am. I’m happy because I know I cannot control anyone else’s feelings. I can only control my own.

I choose happiness. I wish you would, too.

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