Wednesday, May 11, 2011

A sack of flour and a stomach full of guilt

Today in my New Media class we had to present our ideas for a video game concept. A gal in the class (let’s call her Ida) presented an idea about a phone app that would simulate a baby. It could be used as a teaching tool for teens to show them the responsibility involved in raising a baby—perhaps even help guide them away from premarital sex?

A sack of flour in a dress can't prepare you for this kind of love

Before there were apps and computerized babies, I had the pleasure of lugging around a 5 pound sack of flour in a dress for a week when I was a senior in high school. Of course I got paired up to co-parent this dusty-bundle of joy with the weirdest guy in school and sadly it did nothing (Dad don’t read this) to slow my teenaged libido.

I did learn you need a lot of patience and planning to raise your children right. But what I didn’t learn was how much guilt I would take on once they are born.

I feel guilty for everything that happens under my roof. Let me list a few items off the top of my head
·       Divorce
·       No milk in the fridge
·       Forgetting they were serving meatloaf in the cafeteria and not packing a lunch
·       My son’s favorite shirt is not clean and he couldn’t wear it to school     
·       Dog chewed up a favorite toy
·       Dog threw up in daughter’s room
·       Son used daughter’s toothbrush to clean the dog’s throw-up breath
·       No money to buy (insert favorite toy/video game here)
·       Mommy has a new boyfriend
·       Daddy never calls
·       Divorce
This is actually a short list—most days the list can go on forever. Why? Because I feel guilty about everything. Let me rephrase that—I used to feel guilty for everything. I’m really working on the whole guilt thing and I can tell that I am getting better.

Can your app do that?

I realized something very important this morning while I was sitting in family counseling with my daughter, who is very mad at me right now for having a new boyfriend at the same time she is stuck in a wheelchair from her recent foot surgery and her dad hasn’t called her in over a month.

I realized that my life needs to more about me and less about making everyone else feel good about themselves. I realized that I am a good mom and I make good decisions. I realized that God put this very special man in my life to give me some of that happiness that I have so desired over the past years.

Yes, I hate to see my daughter so sad. But I know that her happiness depends on my happiness—not the other way around. I am the mother. I am the adult in this relationship. I am the one who needs to shed the guilt and lift her up when she is down. But I can’t do this if I am not happy.

A sack of flour never made me this tired...
I guess there are things about motherhood that no one can teach you with a sack of flour or a cell phone—you have to figure these things out for yourself.  But, if Apple could make an app to alert me when my guilt levels are getting too high and unnecessary then I would download it, back it up on my hard drive, worship it, and share it with all my friends.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for inviting us into your world.
    Best, Becca