Thursday, May 22, 2014

If only...

This has been one of the most up and down weeks I’ve had in a long time.

My poor husband has got to have sore feet from walking on eggshells these past few weeks.

One minute I’m happy and laughing, the next I’m mad and doing that thing where I bite my lip and look tired.

But it’s not my fault exactly. My life would be fine if things would just go the way I want them to go—that’s my attempt at humor.  

I got sick which is never good because I hate being sick and I don’t usually go to the doctor because I have no money.  I had some kind of inner ear thing that made my neck so sore I couldn’t move it and it hurt, a lot. I cried.

Robby called his friend who is a massage therapist and he came to the house. I cried again.

The relief his massage work gave me was too amazing for words. The thought that someone would do that for me was too much.

Asking for help is my weak spot, so I cried again later just because I’m so grateful to feel loved and partly because I’m embarrassed to need help.

Asking for help and letting people help me are probably my biggest weaknesses aside from trying to control things.

I went back to counseling this week also. I haven’t seen my counselor since before Robby and I got serious, and we’ll be married two years on Monday.

I can’t believe I’ve allowed myself to get to this point again—I thought I was past all the worry and stress and making myself sick.

It scares me because I’m still in the middle of this and I can’t see how this is affecting me or the people around me. I don’t have that perspective yet where I get to go, “Holy crap, I was a mess.”

It’s hard when you have to deal with a sociopath. You never know what to expect and if you are a recovering control freak like me, that’s a nightmare.

You never know when something will happen or when they will be angry with you or when they are trying to trick you or when they are just serious.

And then on top of that, my financial situation sucks but I like my job. I also know my job will never give me 
any kind of financial freedom so it’s super frustrating.

I can’t base my financial bailout on the lottery either which is tough because winning a million dollars would totally solve most of my problems right now—even half a million would be awesome. Maybe just one of those $50,000 scratch-offs, right?

Do you ever find yourself thinking that—if only….

If only, if only, if only!!!

I’m tired of thinking that “if only” this would happen then things would be better for me.

“If only” is probably not going to happen any time soon, if ever.

And the big problem with “if only” thinking is that it makes me feel like I have some sort of control over the situation and that because I’m not making things better, then I’m a failure.

So, the return of extreme guilt sets in, and what you do know? I’m back in therapy.

It’s hard to explain why I feel the way I do because I know I have nothing to feel guilty about, but I do.

I feel like I should be able to make things better—I should be able to protect my children better.

I am too smart to end up like this.

The problem is we all have weaknesses and sometimes we let life slowly trickle in and attack those weaknesses. Then over time, we get so worn down we don’t even recognize ourselves when we look in the mirror—all we see is this tired, old person who looks very unhappy and we have no idea how we got here.

So, it’s time, again, to lace up those boot straps and fight again, even though I’m freaking tired and I don’t feel well.

It’s time to let people help me. It’s time to focus on myself a little more. It’s time to tell the haters to shut the hell up. It’s time to get back to where I want to be in life—happy.

I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again and I’ll keep doing it until I take my last breath because I’ll be damned before I go back to how things used to be. 

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