Sunday, March 17, 2013

I'm Baaack!

Okay, so I got scared and I stopped writing the blog for a bit. It’s been hard to not write. Writing helps clear my head. It’s therapeutic. It’s what I do.

This past week has been filled with a lot of ups and downs, mostly downs, but the ups have inspired me to write again.

I got this amazing message from some sweet ladies in Chicago. They reminded me that I need to keep being honest and I need to keep writing. I needed to hear that message so badly. It got the wheels turning about going back to the blog, but I didn't put anything on paper.

New friend, new advice...
Yesterday, I received a very touching email from a new friend. She wrote, “Keep your head to the sky and when people, things, whatever gets in the way, take a deep breath and say from the deepest part of your soul ‘TWO TEARS IN A BUCKET—MOTHER F***IT!!!’ Trust me it works.”

I sat in my car on Friday with the sun shining in my face and cried a little as I re-read her email. I said those words, and it did work. I reminded myself that I didn’t go to hell and back so someone could scare me. I didn’t fight back for so many years so that I could sit in my car and feel sorry for myself.

I’ve written about this before, but I’m gonna repeat myself.  “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” If you have ever been through recovery, you are familiar with that phrase.
Keeping secrets can make you sick. Those secrets start to attack you and make you feel guilty. Secrets take away your power to be your true self and to believe in yourself.

I started this blog to unload the secrets that were making me sick. I didn’t do it to make anyone look bad or to vilify anyone. I did it because I learned that the more I kept secrets…the sicker I got. I mean physically ill. I had stomach ulcers and head aches and I was so moody and emotional…I have no idea how I survived or how anyone survived being around me?

But I’m not sick now. I’m just really sad and I hate being sad because I have so much to be happy about.

I’m sad for several reasons.

I’m sad because I have to go back to court and pay another lawyer a whole bunch of money (that I don’t have) again and dig up a past I want to forget about. I have to find the strength to fight again and I’m tired of fighting.

I’m sad because I have applied to over 50 jobs and I haven’t had one positive response. I don’t get it.

I’m sad because it’s embarrassing. I’m tired of talking about it. I’m tired of trying to find jokes to make it seem funny. I’m tired of having to find faith.

But I have to remind myself that I am here for a reason. I’m being tested for a reason. I don’t have to understand the reason, but I also don’t have to let it destroy me.

I didn’t come this far to quit or to run and hide. I came this far so I could show the world that anything is possible--that truth is powerful and love is real.

So, for those who want to see an end to this blog, I have a message for you. I’ll quit writing when I feel like it—and right now I don’t feel like it.

And for those of you who have reached out to me these past few months and told me that I need to keep moving forward, I have a message for you. Thank you for believing in me and pushing me back into the writer’s seat again. It feels great to be back.

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