Tuesday, May 29, 2012

To procreate or not to procreate?

So, the big day has passed, and with the passing of the wedding comes the big question. Some people are brave enough to ask it to our face while most others just talk amongst themselves—when are we going to have a baby together?

So, it is time to address two topics that I have never written about. One is the reason I’m not having children. And two is the reason that Robby is not having children.

I had my tubes tied almost a year after Jude was born, so I cannot have any more children. I don’t want another baby. But yet, I didn’t want another baby after I had Veronica. I’m grateful for Jude. If it wasn’t for him, I would think I was the worst Mom ever. Veronica has never been satisfied and I would have spent my life trying to make the little princess happy. She’s a sweet girl and amazing girl, but she always wants more and sometimes I have nothing left to give.

Jude, on the other hand, is always happy. I used to feel like the most useless mom ever when he was a toddler because he would just play with his toys and smile and I would just sit and watch him and feel like I should be doing something to entertain him. He never cried. I wanted him to need me like Veronica did, but he didn’t. He was just happy to be in the same room as me. He is the dream child every mom hopes for—I hope it lasts forever.

But my body was not made for making babies. When I was about 6 months pregnant with Veronica, I found out I had a septate uterus. So she only had half of a womb to grow in. She got squished and it deformed her little limbs and gave her Arthrogryposis. I felt guilty for years. I am the reason she is disabled--that’s a heavy cross to carry.

Veronica kissing baby Jude
That guilt made me not want to have any more children. But my ex-husband wanted “loads” of children, so I backed down and told him I would think about having more.

I had surgery to repair my uterus and make it whole. I got pregnant soon after and 8 and half months later Jude was born. It was the delivery from hell and he almost died. The reason he almost died?—my uterus was deformed and it almost killed him.

I asked my ex-husband to let me have my tubes tied while I was having my C-section with Jude. But he said I was just hormonal from the pregnancy and he denied the surgery. For those of you who don’t know, a doctor in Georgia will not perform a tubal ligation without the consent of the husband.

I tried to make the case that the next baby could die or be deformed and that my body couldn’t take another pregnancy. But no one listens to a hormonal woman.

After I had Jude, I never felt well. I got sick with a lot with infections and weird female stuff. After several years of suffering, my doctor told me I needed to have surgery to repair my uterus for reasons I won’t burden you with, and that I needed to be smart and not risk another pregnancy.

My ex-husband was in Iraq at the time and I had to talk to him about it over the phone. He relented and granted the doctor permission to perform the surgery. I have never felt better and he never forgave me.

Ugh...pregnant in the Georgia heat is not something anyone should repeat
But Robby’s reasons for not wanting a baby are different. Some of you do not know that Robby has end stage kidney failure and he is on dialysis. It’s not a big secret, but it’s hard to know how to work that bit of information into a conversation or a blog.

We joke about how you tell people you have kidney failure. They say, “Hey, those tomatoes are ripe.” And you say, “Yes, they are. My kidneys don’t work anymore.” And we laugh, but it’s not a heartfelt laugh.

Robby has always said that he never wants to pass his congenital kidney problems onto a child. He made the resolution to never have children years before he met me.

I think that is one of the reasons we were brought together. He was meant to be a father and it would be a damn shame for him to not raise children. I bring children to the table and they need a present father. Poof!—instant family.

So, that means “no” we are not having a baby together. It is a shame to not mix our DNA, but that is the way it is. Sure, I would love to have a baby with Robby and he would love it, too. But let’s be honest. We both have too many problems that could endanger our child’s DNA or growth in the womb. Plus, we are too old! We love getting a good night’s sleep. I still thank God every morning when I get a full night’s sleep. It’s not a topic we worry about. We are happy with the way things are now.

And plus we already have two amazing children. We get to raise a daughter and we get to raise a son. They are healthy and super smart. Why would we ever risk fate and ask for more?

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