I feel like life is just slipping through my fingers. Days seem to melt into weeks and weeks pass by like I’m standing still. I just can’t seem to get a grip on my life right now.
One day life is full of chaos and the next day I find myself sleeping in a not getting anything done. Yesterday I tried to think about what I can do to fix the manic-feel of my life, but nothing really seemed to click.
I’ve written before about my insatiable need to be a perfectionist. I try to laugh it off and say I’m changing, but I can see that I am not changing. I have no real want to change. I like to feel like I am in control and that I can somehow do everything perfectly.
I am taking a class for school right now where I have to do these group projects. Needless to say, I hate group projects. It’s rare for me to be paired with anyone who does things the way that I do things—and I like the way I do things better.
These projects are making me act crazy. I find myself walking around the house talking to myself saying things like “I cannot believe this girl thinks the project is finished” or “Oh my God, I cannot believe she hasn’t finished yet and we only have 5 hours until it’s due!”
I’ve noticed that Robby has been playing a lot of video games lately and just trying to stay under the radar with me. He has mentioned several times that he hates it when I am in the middle of classes and I start acting crazy. I used to think he meant “stressed” but now I can see the “crazy.”
I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like I am pushing everyone away from me. I hate feeling like I am trapped in my own little world of trying to make everything perfect while the rest of the world is just passing by me like I’m standing still.
I wish I knew how to take a deep breath and just half-ass my work every once in a while, but I’m not capable of just letting go like that.
I guess something happened to me when I was a child that made me feel like it was up to me to make things work correctly. I know I had an enormous amount of pressure on me to make things work—it was up to me to make sure we got up in the morning, had breakfast, and got to school on time. It was up to me to make sure no one bothered my parents. It was up to me to make everyone happy and to keep chaos at a minimum.
I would like to say that I don’t want to be that person any longer, but I just can’t seem to be able to let that person go--even though she seems to be self-destructing right now. I hope I can find a way to jump on board with the rest of the world and stop watching it pass in front of me. I just wish I had a switch to turn the “crazy” off.